He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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