As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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