I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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