I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
