I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
