shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
