I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
