yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
