After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
