he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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