i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
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I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
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In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.