When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
my shit smells like andre
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
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I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.