brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
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What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
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THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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