You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
