So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my shit smells like andre
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
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I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
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Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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