Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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