I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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