If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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