The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
