I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
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