all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
