Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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