last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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