i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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