He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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