What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
