I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
it's like heaven, but drunker
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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