So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
