I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
