Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
