I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
