Your face is a jimmy john
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
