She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
