This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
