They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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