i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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