theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
