Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
