So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
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On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
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I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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