My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
