the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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