Barsexuality is the new black.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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