I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so let's talk penis.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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