also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
