The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
