8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You smell like stripper and shame
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
