i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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