You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
