I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
