Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
