Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
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Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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