I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
