Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
