he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
