this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
this beer tastes like vomit already
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
