Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
