omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
