I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
