Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We have so much sex to catch up on
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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