dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
