So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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