toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
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You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
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How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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