I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
