I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
