I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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