theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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