New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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